Let's go exploring

My manager have often told me that I inspire her with my clear sense of direction -that I have a clear picture of what I wanted to do with my life, which most people (including her) struggle with. In a way, I agree with her. I have sort of felt that I have always driven myself (sometimes to much more than I would have sanely wanted to) in the pursuit of that which I viewed as my life's destiny, my dreams and ambitions and in doing so, have passed through the pre-requisite and often rough journey of knowing one's self intimately. I could say with the frankness of an aged woman, that I feel I have done almost everything I wanted to do in my lifetime and now in my late thirties, I think of myself as living a semi-retired life. I feel I owe this to the fact that I have struggled to learn (and have accepted) who I am early on. But I do feel my journey hasn't ended yet. It becomes clearer to me when I face a blank piece of watercolor paper and find myself struggling to create something which would somehow show my imagined world. Although I could make the claim of having done everything I wanted to do in my career and my life in general, I couldn't say the same thing for my creative endeavor which is something I have long abadoned when I chose a non-art related career path. Now in my semi-retired state, painting is the one thing I yearn to go back to. But I realize, I do not clearly know who I am in my art work. I do have some ideas who I am not. I am not a realist. As I often find myself disappointed when I see my work resemble too much of the real thing. I am not an abstract painter either as I still like to keep some real forms in. If I am to ask myself what I really want to paint, what I really want to paint are unreal things, fantasy things, like floating jellyfishes, empty martian-like spaces, crooked dead trees, creatures in dream-like places, people in different forms, dilapidated doors that lead to magical places.. I would really love to do be doing that someday. That is my dream. And so, I have resolved to start on another sort of journey - to discover another aspect of who I am, in the drawings that I make. It is daunting and at the same time exhilarating to think that I can be whatever I want to be on paper.

Winter (in some red place)- playing with primary colors