A Good Day

I had a good day today. For maybe the first time I had a small feeling of being at home here in Canada. I always have felt like I'm a stranger here, even after two years since we immigrated. Maybe because I haven't really been socializing much. I didn't feel I needed to. And even today, on my good day, we spent most of it at home. Cooked pancakes for breakfast, let Julia loose in the front yard and watched her collect cherry blossom petals from the street and re-planting them in a patch on our frontyard, rearranging the patio and hanging some pansies, cutting the grass in the backyard, playing badminton with Chris and having Julia as our net in the middle, having pizza and ice cream in the patio and then cooking dinner which was halibut fish simmered in ginger and soy sauce (my mom used to cook this for me). It is a day without much fancy stuff and filled with what we almost do everyday, nothing special. Yet it is a day which reminded me a lot of what I have felt back home.

Back home where the kitchen smells of sauted onions and ginger, where the dogs are barking at people passing by, where nothing much happens, just playing around with the leaves gathered from empty lots, walking with a stick in hand and wacking at almost any surface, and most of the time I'd just wait for mom to come home. Her presence in the house always made a difference. Today reminded me a lot of my childhood. And I find it amazing how much of my memories of it are of tiny, uneventful stuff.

My mind doesn't remember much of the details but if there is a "feeling" memory, I remember what I felt quite distinctly. Often times, I ask my husband what the purpose of my life is or was (since I'm almost halfway through it) and most of the time I was sort of expecting a grandoise answer (from myself mostly), like invent something that would benefit others, inspire and help people, or become somebody of value in this world. Maybe, just maybe, it is not as big as that. Maybe the answer lies in the smallest of things, nothing fancy. Maybe we don't really need an audience. Maybe our essence is best left in the tiniest of details or of feeling. Maybe we don't need a purpose because it is already there inside us. Maybe all we need to do is sit down and listen.