2010

I use to be fond of making new year's resolutions when I was young, but later in life I realized that although the intention of it is good, it's form doesn't quite suit what my way of thinking was. I found it to be a bit too task oriented, "listy" and in some ways short-sighted. But I still liked seeing the new year as a fresh start, a clean slate to reflect on the past, savor the present and try to gleen the future. I do find myself tending to think of it in terms of concepts more than tasks. This year, one of the things I felt I wanted to focus on is on the theme of finding "me" - my voice, my essence, my reason, my meaning. It sounds elementary and dounting at the same time. Elementary because it is the sort of thing that one would think should have been answered in the teenage years. On the other hand, I know that even the great people who lived in history were still learning about themselves up to their deathbeds. Every day, we evolve and that evolution keeps us in constant flux that if we let it go unnoticed for quite some time, it could wheel us out of our axis. And that could be confusing. Learning about ourselves is to my opinion, the easier part. Accepting what we learn of ourselves, is the harder one.

As I pondered on this, I am reminded of my conversation with my best friend weeks ago. I had mentioned to her how I didn't like putting in too many words in my blog, because if I did, it would most likely end up having discussions of "deep stuff", that may be way too boring for some people. Because much of what I do really, is reflect on things. And I didn't like that about me, in a way. I wanted to see myself on the lively or simple side, on the cool side and not on the contemplative side that reminds me a lot of the nuns and hermits in the village I used to live in. And so aside from the occassional, long essays of reflections found in the earlier parts of this blog, I have limited my recent posts mostly to pictures and short sentences. However, this year, that is going to change. This year, it is going to be filled with more words from any of the ponderings that I do. And that I think is mainly because of my acceptance (finally!) of the fact that a large part of me thrives on reflection.

I remember two things that a teacher and a famous politician have mentioned back then that I felt were very good advice but I just didn't understand it at a personal level at that time, so I tucked it in my memory with the hope that as time passed by, I would get what they meant by it. One of those advice was - "Think big" and the second was - "If you feel lost at some point, remember your role models". It is on this second one that I am thinking now in relation to this blogpost. I haven't really understood how role models could be that important. And I realized later in life that the problem was my definition of what a role model was. I use to think they were similar to my idols, which, weren't in any way living the way I would have liked to live my life as. They just looked pretty good, sang pretty good, or were pretty popular. However later, as I began to admire people who weren't popular and began to explore how they lived, what they thought, what their life's essences were, their ideals..at some point, I found myself learning from them and sharing their essences and then began to realize, role models really are valuable. They had helped me through the lowest and most difficult valleys in my path. And so in this blog, I decided to have regular posts of people that I see as my role models, people I admire and who have influenced (are still influencing) me in small and profound ways.

These changes plus I think, I'd like to increase my blog posts to a minimum of twice a week (instead of once a week) or more. It is a wonder to me that it took me nearly three years to finally feel comfortable blogging (and exposing myself to "people" out there - even if noone barely reads this blog anyway but it still feels like it when I'm writing), to even be writing and posting this entry without being conscious of those "imaginary internet people" anymore.

It's going to be a great 2010. I can just feel it.